Coping after difficult life events

This page explains the possible range of feelings and reactions children may experience following a loss, bereavement or critical incident.

A critical incident can be defined as a sudden, unexpected event that is distressing to pupils and/or staff. It may involve violence against members of the school, a serious accident or the sudden death of a member of staff, child or young person. It could be that the school is subjected to major vandalism or attack or child or young person abduction.

Reactions will vary depending on how directly the child was involved in the incident and upon the child’s personality and experience. Following an incident, a range of feelings may be experienced. Some feelings may be very powerful. Children often do not have the same understanding as adults. They may have more  difficulty talking about and controlling their responses to the feelings aroused by the incident. Children’s reactions will vary according to their circumstances. The  following responses may be common after a critical incident:

• Shock: a child may be very quiet or they may cry uncontrollably
• Denial: they may find it difficult to believe that something so awful has happened. If someone has died, even though they know the person has died, they may think that the person will return
• Searching: they may worry about losing other people or worry whether the incident will happen again
• Despair: the child may become tearful and reject the affection of others
• Anger: towards the people around them or people involved in the incident, including those who may have been injured or died
• Anxiety: about things they may or may not have done, or said, to have caused the incident
• Guilt: they may feel that in some way they might have stopped it from happening
• Confusion: about what has happened to those involved in the incident, particularly if someone has died

Children may show their feelings through behaviour rather than words. Their behaviour might include;

• Behaving like a younger child
• Being more irritable, naughty or aggressive
• Becoming very withdrawn
• Sleep disturbance including bad dreams and flashbacks of the incident, fear of being alone or fear of the dark Wanting to be with their parents, or a trusted adult, at all times
• Difficulty concentrating, especially at school
• Changes in appetite or eating habits, feeling sick
• Fears for their own safety, or for the safety of family or friends
• Denying their grief
• Being easily upset
• Unwillingness to go to school

Remember: all of these are normal reactions to a distressing event.